


There are Ladies Present Gosh Darn it

by Blue Rose (Grovehove)



Series: Dear Future Husband [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Implied Erotic Dancing, JARVIS is a little shit., M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Sneaky Jarvis (Iron Man movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2017-10-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 21:05:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12396213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grovehove/pseuds/Blue%20Rose
Summary: "It’s just a job. An extremely well paid job. A job you successfully complete on a regular basis and no one has ever found out. No one knows about our profitable little side-line. Did I mention how well paid it was? This will pay off all of our school fees until we graduate with plenty left over for any future decisions. So we won’t need to do this again. Now put on your big boy pants and remember you are a professional. Or at least semi-professional. Get in there, hit them hard, you know you have the skills to take them and then get out. Our inside guy is waiting for you. Now do your damn job Stiles and make us rich”Or the one where college students Stiles and Isaac become the entertainment at the pre-wedding party for Iron Man and Captain America, much to everyone's complete and utter astonishment. Except for JARVIS. Who is a little shit.Updated 19/10/2017.





	There are Ladies Present Gosh Darn it

"Lydia Martin is a dead woman." the menace in the whispered voice was all too real and clear to the Werewolf in the silent still night.

"What the hell?" the low growl was just as menacing at the threat to one of his pack mates. Even if it was another pack mate who made it. Probably the pack mate least likely to threaten their red headed goddess and business genius but still the threat was there.

Pretty amber eyes flashed with furious outrage but the scent of angry embarrassment was as strong as the expression. "Again what the hell Dude?" the wolf repeated.

"I am never trusting that deceitful manipulative witch again" the hissed words were spat out with venom as a cell phone suddenly materialised out of thin air.

The werewolf's eyes widened, where the hell had his pack mate been hiding that? He was damn sure he had no space in his own carefully designed skin tight uniform to allow even a sliver of air to caress his skin let alone a damn cell.

One button was pressed and the call was connected immediately. Typical Lydia, she must have anticipated this reaction but the wolf would dearly love to know what the freaking problem was. They had a job to do as per usual, emotions were never a factor, they couldn't afford for them to be. It was just a job like so many others they had already completed. So what was so different about this one?

Before a word was uttered, the bored slightly distracted dulcet tones of their handler asked "So you figured out where you are did you?"

"Jesus Christ Lyds, this is the Compound" was the enraged reply. The Werewolf blinked his eyes. Nope he was none the wiser.

His seething pack mate must have seen his confused expression even in the dark because he clarified with a snarl "The Avengers Compound, the Compound housing the Avengers, who avenge and kick ass and save the world like the Superheroes they are and who live in this Compound. The Compound outside of which we are now standing. That Compound"

Before the Werewolf could react and his own heart had begun to race whether from nerves or anticipation he couldn't tell, their handler's voice sharpened

"And? It's just a job. An extremely well paid job. A job you successfully complete on a regular basis and in secret. No one has ever found out. No one knows about our profitable little side-line. Did I mention how well paid it was? This will pay off all of our school fees until we graduate with plenty left over for any future decisions. So we won't need to do this again. You don't need to do this again. Now put on your big boy pants and remember you are a professional. Or at least semi-professional. Get in there, hit them hard, you know you have the skills to take them and then get out. Our inside guy is waiting for you. Now do your damn job Stiles and make us rich"

The phone went dead. Stiles stared wide-eyed into the equally wide-eyed curly haired cherubic face of his partner in crime. "Isaac?" The Werewolf shrugged helplessly. They turned as one as they saw the side security door open slowly. Obviously their contact had got tired of waiting for the signal to let them in.

" Well fuck a flying duck" was the oddly apt but unhelpful response from the Werewolf.

Tony Stark had a drink in his hand standing in the main living area of the Compound which had been decorated like a fairy grotto on the night before his long awaited wedding. He was pretty damn sure that those assholes Barnes and Barton had been instrumental in the decoration and that there were probably built in traps for the unwary or naïve but he had told them or had JARVIS tell them in no uncertain terms that if anything happened to delay or destroy the wedding plans they were dead men. Complete and utter corpses, no zombie like resurrection for them. He would drop them both in the Mariana trench with a Jericho bomb attached to their man bits and that was just the kind portion of the retaliation.

Christ it had taken him long enough to get his partner to the point of actually agreeing to the wedding. Nothing but nothing was going to stop this. Not even that mega psycho Thanos and his hard on for Lady Death was going to interrupt Tony's big day. Now where was his shy but incredibly sexy little bridester? Ha little!

His eyes swung around the room until he saw Captain America laughing with delight at something Thor was saying or booming because it looked like the Falcon who had Natasha pinned to the couch with a predatory smirk worthy of his call sign heard what was said and laughed in startled amusement. Tony would have to find out what that was all about later. It was probably yet another joke about Thor's hammer. His Cap had a surprisingly dirty sense of humour, when he wasn't being uptight and concerned about the proper way to do things.

Thor had promised him that the Asgardian mead he was gifting to the celebration would ensure that the super soldiers got to enjoy the party just as much as the rest of them. Although damn them they wouldn't have hang overs in the morning. Just as well the wedding was set for dusk the following day at the renovated Malibu estate. They could all recover on the flight there.

However despite his reputation, Tony had ginger ale in the crystal glass in his hand. He had drunk champagne to the toasts but he wanted to enjoy his, their big day, so it was no biggie staying off the booze. Seriously champagne was like soda to him after all these years but no way was he going to be half cut at this own damn wedding. He had never been married before and this one was for keeps so he was going to remember it.

He moved towards Steve with determination, he wanted to feel those laughing lips against his own, when the deadly duo blocked his path. He nearly groaned but didn't dare let it show on his face. He wanted to be alive for the damn wedding.

"Ladies you are both looking exceptionally beautiful tonight, have you finally come to your senses and decided to steal me away to make me your Sugar Daddy sex toy?" he grinned salaciously at the pair of them.

Pepper rolled her eyes with amusement but Maria Hill merely stared at him impassively. Damn it, he would get those eyebrows of doom to smile one of these days. Before he could continue and put his elegant extremely expensive handmade Italian leather shoes further into his mouth, Pepper scolded fondly "Now Mr Stark you know the bride is not supposed to see the groom the night before the wedding"

Tony grinned at her "Anglo-Saxon tradition darling Miss Potts, I am from good Mediterranean stock. So doesn't apply...Wait which one of us is the bride?" Maria actually snorted before her face fell back into that SHIELD issued bland expression.

Over their shoulders he could see Steve's grin as he listened unashamedly to the conversation. Damn Super soldier hearing. He pursed his lips and blew him a kiss. The red flush in Steve's cheeks totally enhanced the beautiful blue of his eyes. It was the reason that Tony loved teasing him. Well that and the fact that Cap's retaliation was inventive, hot like burning and could last all day. A man with a plan indeed.

The sound of a door slamming against a wall silenced the chatter and laughter in the room as all the occupants turned to face the entrance. Tony was perplexed, his damn doors weren't capable of being slammed. He had spent too many years watching Star Trek to accept anything other than automatic body heat sensors sliding doors open as soon as anyone was in range. Slamming doors his fine half Italian ass! Not in his god damn compound. What the hell was going on?

If he hadn't been Tony Stark he would have gaped at the sight before him. But he was Tony Stark so he didn't. But what the hell? Why were there two cops standing frowning in his door way?

He saw his team mates tense up and start to move into defensible positions. He also saw the two cops take note of that behaviour and whilst the pale dark haired one frowned even harder, the blonde curled cutie-pie cop actually god damn smirked. Thoughts raced through Tony's head as he realised that something didn't add up. Irritation and the beginnings of anger started in his gut.

The dark haired cop peeped out from under the peak of his rather large hat and his pale face took on that professional long suffering patient look common to LEOs everywhere whilst he gave the room a small perfectly fake smile. The beauty marks on his face though almost made him look too cute to be a cop but Tony was well aware that judging a book by its cover was a mistake.

"Evening Folks, My name is Officer Woods and this is Officer Lycan. I'm afraid we have had a complaint about the noise levels here tonight. May we speak to the party's host please so we can sort this out and then leave you to your celebration?"

The cop's voice was calm and a little bored as if this was just the start of the shift for him as they both strolled into the room stopping in the centre where an area for dancing had been cleared as it offered them the best view of every one.

Tony and Steve took a step forward together "Hosts Son, there are two of us" Steve started, adopting his "Captain America is not very impressed with you so buck up buddy" expression. They were both startled to see amusement cross the young cop's face and the up to now silent one let out a suspicious choking noise that had Barnes tense up.

Before the Winter Soldier could make an appearance, and Tony couldn't find it in his heart to blame Barnes because there was something damn hinky about this, Tony interjected coldly.

"Now Officer Woods, would you like to explain a) how anyone barring the people in this room could hear anything to make a damn complaint as we rather a long way from any inhabited areas and b) how the hell you got through my damn security?"

The menace in the air was tangible as Rhodey bluntly commented, "What precinct are you from? I'm going to ring your Captain" Ever the practical one his honey bear.

The cops removed their hats and tucked them under their armpits in perfect sync. Tony saw the Widow draw out her knives in the corner of his eye. Did his ears deceive him? Was that a growl? Did those damn cops have a dog with them too? Why would K9 officers be sent to his Compound. He looked at them more closely.

By Thor's glorious butt, Police Officers were getting younger every damn day and what were they wearing? Was their department budget that bad they couldn't afford the material, it was stretched so thin over their bodies there was nothing left to the imagine… oh.. OH!

Tony ran a quick glance around the room and judging by the amused expressions the only one who seemed oblivious to what was really going on was his dear fiancee. Mischief sparkled in his eyes as he waited for their next move. He was still going to find out who had set them up for this though and let their unexpected guests through security. He would get JARVIS right on that, once he could drag his eyes away from Steve's face.

"Officer Lycan, is it me or is it rather warm in here" Woods asked his partner without taking his eyes away from Tony or Steve. A long elegant finger tilted Woods head to the side, it proceeded to run slowly up his neck, and then the finger was put to Lycan's mouth with an appreciative moan as he licked it delicately. Tony was amused to feel low level arousal hit his gut at the sight. He would bet the profits from his next invention that everyone else in the room got a hit from that too, even his ultra straight Rhodey. Fuck the little bastards were good.

"Hmm you are getting rather sweaty Officer Woods" Lycan's voice was a deep rumble they all felt on a visceral level. If Tony could bottle that voice he would corner the sex market too.

They all watched in disbelief as Lycan stepped up behind Woods and began to slowly unbutton the guy's shirt whilst leaning his head against his shoulder and outright smirking at Steve and Tony as he blatantly licked his own plush lips.

"You need some air Officer Woods we can't have you over heating when we have a job to do can we?"

There was a slight flush to Woods' face that brought out the colour in those striking amber eyes.

Steve had been as frozen with shock as his time in the ice but then he spat out in embarrassment when he finally realised what was happening. "Stop that. What do you two think you are doing? There are Ladies present gosh darn it". Tony's eyes widened with horror.  "Oh Shit" he winced. Poor Stevie.

Darcy, Jane, Pepper, Betty and the Black Widow turned to stare unnervingly at the blushing Captain. After her own death glare directed at America's Darling, Maria Hill's husky voice broke the ominous silence and offered wicked encouragement. "Oh don't mind him Officers, why don't you continue showing us your… credentials?"

Barton's bellow of laughter broke the spell and even Banner had a smile on his face. Tony wasn't sure whether to comfort his darling relic or slap him across the head for being so dumb but he refused to take his attention away from the two fake cops who had gate-crashed his party.

Woods face went back to the almost professional cop expression totally ignoring the way his partner was blatantly revealing and stroking his chest.

"Why we are doing our job of course Sir. Local Enforcement Officers are often called upon to offer advice and assistance at important life events. So Officer Lycan and I would like to offer both you and your intended these words of wisdom for your marriage"

They stepped away from each other and suddenly the room had darkened, glittering disco lights flickered across everything including Steve Rodger's utterly gobsmacked face and the music began.

A sultry female voice spoke before the beat picked up and the two fake half naked cops moved with sinuous grace as they mimed along to the words of Meghan Trainer's "Dear Future Husband"

By the time the music had stopped and the lights were raised, most of the cops uniforms were draped over Tony and Steve. Lycan especially had seemed to take delight in decorating the Super Soldier. Just as well Tony wasn't much of a jealous guy. If he had given Woods a rather lingering kiss when Lycan had dragged Steve's hand across his ass and said hand had remained in place for just this side of too long then who could blame Tony for a bit of payback.

If JARVIS hadn't recorded all that, Tony was going to donate him to the local Community College. Cap's face was priceless but he had finally seen the funny side.

No-one was really surprised when it was the Black Widow who switched from tolerant amusement to terrifying threat within the space of a sentence as the two were unselfconsciously dressing themselves again.

"You know if you boast to the press about this evening, we will hunt you down?" She asked coldly.

For some reason Officer Lycan laughed aloud at that threat, and spluttered something like "so got that tee-shirt Lady" until a pale arm smacked him in the gut. "Isaac cut it out" Woods hissed.  
But he offered Natasha a charming smile that didn't reach his intent eyes. " Hey, we have more to lose than you guys. We could get booted out of our respective universities for conduct unbecoming or some such shit, and believe me Ma'am. there is no way in hell my Dad gets to find out about my unusual money making activities through the tabloids. He'd kill me stone dead, find a way to resurrect me and then kill me again"

She seemed to accept that as the truth but there was one last thing that was bugging Tony and no way were these college kids leaving before he got the answer to his question.

"Who let you through Security?"

"Booking came through our office. Same dude who hired us" was the response from Lycan.

Tony rolled his eyes, he knew distraction techniques when they were used against him. "Who. Let. You. Through. My. Security. Systems?" He spoke slowly and clearly.

Tony knew JARVIS could find out, but he was hoping to force the prankster's hand by questioning the boys. It had to be someone in the room. He just knew it was either Barnes or Barton. He felt it in his water. He was going to make them admit it and then make them suffer for at least a month.

Woods took out his cell phone. Wait. What? Where the hell had the kid stashed it in that uniform? It was skin tight, there was absolutely no room for him to be carrying a cell. Tony's eyes raked over the kid's body with interest until he heard the angry sounding cough next to him. He sighed. Seriously Steve he was only checking out the hiding places in that outfit!

Woods pressed a button. "Did the client want confidentiality?" he asked briskly.

A young woman's voice responded "No he even seemed amused at the notion that they would find out. Now hurry up Stiles, you and Isaac are taking me to dinner"

Woods (Stiles? What the hell was a Stiles?) popped his hat on his head at a jaunty angle. He grinned wickedly as he stared directly at Tony.

"Dude I have always wanted to say this… the butler did it."

Woods and Lycan had made their way to the entrance before the sound of Tony Stark's disbelieving bellow echoed through the room

"JARVIS?"

Then as the implications resounded through his brain he roared  
  
"God damn it, did you make my doors slam?"

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously I have no idea what this is! I came across Meghan Trainor's Dear Future Husband on You Tube, hadn't seen it before and it made me laugh. Then my brain went... now who would Stiles sing that too? From that developed Lydia and her small troupe of part time secret erotic dancers and the commission of a lifetime to entertain Iron Man and Captain America. But its a secret from them too, because JARVIS has had enough of both their shit. Captain America reluctant to get married even though he adores Tony because he was raised way back when and what if it impacts on the star spangled legend. Tony's insecurities because of Steve and poor JARVIS had to put up with it all. So J gets even, Stiles wants to kill Lydia when he realises, but Isaac is just bewildered poor baby. No overt sexiness just silliness. And of course they would have aliases.... Enjoy :)


End file.
